A meditation for difficult life changes

Recently, my family went through a pretty big change with our 15 year old son moving out of the house to attend a hockey academy and play high level hockey across the country.

As you can imagine, parent or not, that is a big change and a lot to prepare for mentally. For me, that meant turning to metta (lovingkindness) meditation, and mainly, for myself. At least, that was the advise given to me by a meditation practitioner. While normally in metta, you may give thought to yourself, a loved one, someone neutral, and then someone you’re having a hard time with, I changed it up a little to help make this practice work for me and what I was getting ready for, and now, as he’s left the house, the emotions I am dealing with.

So why metta, and why focused so much on myself?

Well, first, I knew meditating on things like non-attachment wouldn’t work. This is my son, no matter who much I understand and see value in non-attachment, I need to be real with myself and understand I am attached, and no amount of practice is going to change that. Next, I knew while I would practice metta towards him, that wouldn’t be enough. He’s my son and I already love him unconditionally and so if I spent all my time focused on sending him love, I likely wouldn’t get as much out of it, because I already have a very deep love for my own son.

So instead, I came up with this.

Step 1: Practicing metta for myself. After I sit, take some deep calming breaths, I start my wishing myself happiness. I keep this simple and only recite, “I wish myself happiness and the causes of all happiness.”

I recite this several time, usually trailing off into just reciting “happiness” a few times before returning my breath.

Step 2: I pick a loved one, and I choose either my son, my wife, or our daughter. We are all enduring this change so I rotate through each sit with who I choose. “I wish [family member] happiness and the causes of all happiness.”

Step 3: Rather than pick someone neutral, I pick the household my son is living in. He’s living with two wonderful parents, their son, and 2 other out of state players like my son. “I wish them all happiness and the causes of all happiness.”

Step 4: Now, as I said above, I have chosen not to pick someone I am having difficulties with when I sit down for this meditation, I save that for other metta sits, on this one, I then move my focus to all of us combined. “I wish us all happiness and the causes of all happiness.”

After that, I return to my breath, usually coming back to three deep calming breaths, then feeling the rise and fall of my chest as my breath returns to normal. When I feel it’s time to come to a close, I move to a few moments of open awareness, I give merit, and then I end my practice.

This isn’t revolutionary by any means, but I wanted to share what I feel is helping me adjust to this transition and starting with myself it helps calm my nerves and realize what I am going through is a very real form of grief and I am deserving of love and happiness. By moving through my family, the house, and all of us, I offering that same love and happiness.

Since about a week before his move, I have done this meditation once a day and have no plans on stopping anytime soon, at least until he’s home for summer break.